By LYNNE MILLER

When my son had been in foster care for a year, I went to a meeting at my agency to ask questions and get information about how to deal with my case.

I’d lost my son to the foster care system because I was using drugs so all the counselors said I had to go to a drug treatment program, but no one told me where to find one. They also decided I had to take a parenting skills class, but where was there one to take? If I was going to get my son back, clearly, I needed some help.

Luckily, my agency held meetings to help parents like me.

The Support I Needed

Those meetings helped me feel supported. At the time, I felt scared, guilty and angry, and overwhelmed by all these people—the judge, my lawyer, the caseworker and ACS—telling me what to do. Where I’d once had control over all of my decisions, I now had hardly any control at all. It seemed like every turn was a chance to mess up.

But soon the staff saw that I was motivated and they invited me to start volunteering, letting other parents know what the system was supposed to be doing to help them reunite with their children. I also began to speak at meetings to let staff and foster parents know that birth parents are not the enemy. Most often we’re just people who have become overwhelmed by life.

Eventually, my agency, Seaman’s Society for Children and Families offered me a job helping to organize a Birth Parent Advocates Program. The agency had figured out that if birth parents had someone to talk to who had been through what they were coping with, they’d be less likely to act out their anger and frustration, and more likely to cooperate with the demands of the court and ACS. They’d probably be more willing to admit they had problems, and more open to getting help.

Back in Action

I was very proud to become a parent advocate. Unfortunately, after I’d been working at the agency for four years, New York City’s mayor made some major budget cuts, and the funding for many parent advocates in the city disappeared. At Seamen’s, five other parent advocates and I lost our jobs.

My agency said it would hire me back if it could, and a year ago, it did just that. Now that I am back, I am supremely happy to once again support “my parents and kids,” as I call them. I write a newsletter called “The Client Voice,” which gives parents info about everything I can think of that they might need, and a place where they can let their voices be heard – I print their poetry, letters and stories.

I also give parenting classes and one-on-one parenting support, and run a parent support group twice a month called Families Embracing Life. Birth parents network with each other and share anything they have learned. We pick speakers to share information that the parents want and plan trips that the parents, children and sometimes even foster parents participate in, like going to the aquarium, the circus and Sesame Place.

Letting Parents Speak

When I first speak to the birth parents, I’d say more than half are in denial. Just like I did in the beginning, they like to place blame anywhere and everywhere except on their own shoulders. “My nosy damn neighbor, it’s her fault for calling on me.” “That stupid teacher, why didn’t she mind her own business? My kids are fine!”
I think “my parents” find it hard to accept someone else’s judgment that they have abused, neglected or endangered their children. It’s hard enough to admit to yourself that you might have done something wrong, never mind admit it to strangers who are now controlling your life.

I let my parents talk all they want. They have a lot of confusion and mixed emotions that they need to get out. But I also let them know it’s not impossible to get their kids back, it just takes a willingness to work hard. I hold up my situation before them to show them it can be done.

When my son first went into foster care, it felt like everyone was against me. Luckily, my agency was committed to working with me. If not for the understanding and compassion of my caseworker, I might not have made the effort get off drugs and get my son back.

‘Expect Anger’

Most of “my kids” go home because their parents really want them back and I really push them to succeed. But just because most children are reunited with their parents doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Sometimes returning home after a long absence can be as traumatic as leaving.

I tell birth parents to expect a lot of anger and resentment. I explain how hard it can be for their kids to talk about what they’re feeling. The anger might not be outwardly directed at them. Instead, it might get expressed as nightmares, wetting accidents, physically abusing siblings and just acting out. Many children and parents require additional therapy after they leave care to deal with all these feelings.

When my son was in care, the thing I ached over the most was seeing the hurt in his face when he said, “Why can’t I come home with you?” and hearing from his foster mom how he had very bad nightmares.

During one of our visits, I said to my son, “I bet you’re really mad at me.”

“Yes, a lot,” was his reply.

I told him that it was OK for him to feel that way. I had let him down, but I was going to work hard to get us back together. I also told him he would have to be patient and give me a chance. I sure felt a flood of relief when he jumped into my arms and squeezed me tightly.

But regaining my son’s trust fully took much more than that. Even after he came home, his nightmares continued. It took months to reassure him that he was not going back into foster care and that I would be able to be there to care for all his needs.

I Stay in Touch

After “my kids” return to their parents, I stay in touch. I offer to come and visit, to be there if they need to talk. I’m even willing to have them drop their kids with me for a while to give them a little breathing space.

The parents sometimes get overwhelmed by all the minute-by-minute things they have to re-learn to handle. They have to relearn to fix breakfasts and school lunches and to get everyone ready at the same time in the morning. They have to put to the test all the skills they learned in their parenting skills classes. They also need to try not to be too hurt or angry that their children are angry, or feel so guilty that they stop being effective parents. They still need to have rules and expectations.

I also encourage “my families” to keep an ongoing friendship with the foster parents. I couldn’t justify cutting off my son’s foster parents when they were such a large part of his life for more than two years. Occasionally he goes over to his foster family for an afternoon or weekend. He even went on vacation with them in the summer.

His foster parents are still there for me, too, when I need a little help. When I’m going to be late to get my son from his after-school program, I know I can call his foster mother and she’ll get him and hang onto him until I get home. If I need someone to help with my son, she backs me up. I tell my birth parents, “Foster parents aren’t the enemy. They can be more like the Red Cross.”

The way I see it, my job is to help parents see the agency and the foster parents as supports, and to help the agency and the foster parents see the birthparents’ strengths, too.